Stop Seeking Validation from Others
Posted on July 31st, 2016
How to stop seeking validation from others
Needing approval or validation from others stifles our own freedom. We become bound by what we think others want or expect of us. Have you ever not said what you are thinking as someone else in the room has a difference of opinion? Or do you ever change your view on something because we think that others might think less of us if we say something contrary to what their view is? Are you motivated by approval from others? If this is you, then I hate to break it to you, but it is a waste of time. No one will ever fully agree with all your views and actions. Receiving criticism from others is something that is unavoidable. We will always be judged or criticised by someone and that’s okay. It’s the old saying “you can’t please everyone”.
Effects of seeking validation from others
The effects of seeking validation from others includes difficulty making decisions, anxiety, stress, not being ourselves, perfectionistic tendencies, loss of confidence and avoidance of situations or opportunities where we might grow or develop. Seeking validation from others is holding us back from being the best ‘me’ we can be.
Seeking validation from others holds us back
Low performance –
We get so caught up in stewing and worrying about what others might say that we get very little achieved or we might avoid the situation or opportunity all together.
High performance –
We are so worried about how others might perceive us that we go above and beyond to make everything perfect. We might have to have the perfectly clean house, the perfectly organised project at work, or being perfectly presented and groomed at all times. However, being ‘perfect’ is very exhausting and we often have to neglect other priorities in our lives to achieve this. For example, we might not actually play with our children because we spend so much time making sure they have the perfectly clean and organised room.
Not being able to say no –
Sometimes we are so worried that others will think poorly of us that we never say no even when it does not suit us or might come at a high personal cost.
Lack of self acceptance – when we focus on what others want all the time, we forget who we are as individuals. We might not be able to make decisions, because we have lost track of our own likes and dislikes. Maybe we have forgotten about ourselves and as a result we have lost who we are as individuals. Or we struggle to accept ourselves as we don’t even know who we are.
How to gain self-validation
It’s not all bad news. Once we realise what we are doing we actually have the power to make change and learn how to validate ourselves.
Self-Approval
You can start to gain acceptance of yourself by reflecting on things you have done well. Keep a journal to record the daily things we do that we are proud of or have done well. We do actually do things that meet this criteria, but we often employ the unhelpful thinking style of ‘discounting the positives’. This is where we ignore or dismiss any positive feedback we are getting and only focus on the negative. We need to start looking for the little things we do well on a daily basis.
Reflect back, has there been a time in your life where you have had a differing of opinion, but the other person didn’t reject you?
Start seeking validation from ourselves
Being aware of what we are doing and thinking is a good first step. Be aware of the language we use, our actions and what we are thinking. When we realise we are seeking approval from others we need to gently say to ourselves “stop, I am only seeking acceptance from myself today”. Then remind yourself of all the good decisions you have made. Or even just question whether it really matters.
Be honest with yourself
When you are starting a new project or task, be honest with yourself. Ask yourself “am I doing this because it is right for me?”. If not, then reflect why. If it is to gain acceptance from others than let it go. This is not to say that we spend our days only doing things that benefit us as individuals, but we need to be driven by what is ‘right’ for us.
Accept constructive criticism
Last, but not least… we have to learn to be ok with other’s disapproval or judgement. Criticism doesn’t have to be a bad thing. We need to take it on board, reflect and then move forward. Being able to accept criticism is important. Don’t let it stifle you, take from it what you need and let the rest go.
In the end, all that really matters is that we love and approve of ourselves. We only have to answer to ourselves. Regardless of what else may be happening around us, if we love and accept ourselves we can live a content and happy life.
Written by Judy Travis
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