Relationships: 5 Love Languages
Posted on November 29th, 2016
5 Love Languages
I often hear people say ‘He doesn’t love me’ or “I do all this for her and she doesn’t even appreciate it”. Sometimes we try to express our love to our partner, but we are just left thinking “what’s the point?” The problem is that we often try to communicate love in a way in which we would like to receive it. Didn’t our mothers teach us to treat others as we would like to be treated? Surely we can’t go wrong with this golden rule….Well actually we can. Sometimes our emotional love language and the language of our partner may be as different as Chinese and English.
Therapist Gary Chapman states that there are actually five emotional love languages. So in other words, five different ways that people speak and understand emotional love. This theory of 5 different love languages is also supported by leading relationship researcher Dr John Gottman (see previous blogs).
Love is a basic human need. “We needed love before we ever fell in love and we will continue to need it as long as we live” (Chapman, 2010).
As we discover and communicate with our partners in their preferred love language our relationship may improve. Often it is not that our partner doesn’t love us, but that we are not understanding when they express their love for us.
What are the 5 Love Languages
- Words of Affirmation
- Quality Time
- Receiving Gifts
- Acts of Service
- Physical Touch
Words of Affirmation
Mark Twain once said “I can live for two months on a good compliment”. One way to express love is through our words. Verbal compliments or words of appreciation are powerful communicators of love. These affirmations are often best when they are kept simple, kind and encouraging. For example “You look lovely in that dress” or “ I love how I can always count on you”, or “you are a great writer”.
Quality Time
Quality time is referring to giving someone your undivided attention. This doesn’t mean sitting on the lounge next to your partner when you are watching tv or playing on your phone. Quality time means focussed attention, quality conversation, quality activities, looking at each other, talking and giving each other all of your attention. Listen for feelings, observe body language. This could be while going out to dinner or for a walk.
Receiving Gifts
A gift is something that you can hold in your hand and say “hey they were thinking of me”. A gift is a symbol of that thought. It’s not about how much the gift cost, but that you thought of the other person. Gifts are visual symbols of love. One type of gift is the gift of self. Physical presence (being there for you partner) in the time of crisis is the most powerful gift you can give your spouse.
Acts of Service
Acts of service is doing things that you know your partner would like you to do. We aim to please them by serving them and doing things for them. We express our love for our partner by the things we do for them. For example, cooking a meal, doing housework, doing jobs around the house.
Physical Touch
Physical love is a powerful way to express love. Holding hands, kissing, hugging, and sexual intimacy are all ways of communicating emotional love to our partner. Not all touch will bring pleasure to your partner, you need to be guided by their likes and dislikes. Don’t insist on touching your partner in your way. Learn to speak their love language.
Parenting
Communicating with your child in their love language can also help us with parenting. Discover your child’s primary language—then speak it—and you will be well on your way to a stronger relationship with your child.
Discovering your Love Language
The first step is to work out what both your and your partner’s (or children’s) love language is. This is made very easy as there is a free online assessment you can do to help you determine your primary love language.
Take the quiz now
Watch Oprah Winfrey take the 5 Love Languages quiz
Written by Judy Travis
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