Couples Therapy – Improving your relationship
Posted on October 15th, 2014
When a couple first meets there is passion and excitement. But after the initial ‘honeymoon’ period when day to day life sets in, the relationship may begin to be fade. We often put our relationship with our partner second (or even further down our priority list) after children and work.
What can we do to repair and replenish our relationship with our partner?
Research shows that there are three keys to successful relationships; couples must learn how to become better friends, to manage conflict well, and create shared meaning for the future. A trained couple’s therapist can teach couples how to accomplish this and build a healthy relationship.
10 things you can do now to start improving your relationship*
- Start catching your partner out doing good things and let them know.
- Everyday say 20 positive things you appreciate about your partner for every negative thing; that’s right, a 20:1 ratio. This builds up the relationship emotional bank account.
- Start really listening to what your partner is saying. Suspend your judgements and invest in understanding their needs and desires.
- Remember, we change over time. Updating what we know about each other’s interests, likes, dislikes, favourite movie, music and so on is essential.
- Conflict is normal in healthy relationships. When in conflict with your partner, look for their aspirations and future goals within that conflict.
- Always remember, the use of contempt, criticism, stonewalling and defensiveness in conflict is very destructive.
- John Gottman, the world’s most respected relationship researcher, says that using contempt in relationships is the number one predictor of divorce.
- Manage your own stress levels. Learn techniques to reduce your stress.
- When your partner wants your attention, turn towards them and show genuine interest.
- Take a moment to breathe.
Judy Travis
Psychologist, Level 1 Training in the Gottman Method.
*(Based on Gottman Couples Therapy by John Gottman and Julie Schwarz-Gottman).